


how stupid i’ve been

by worstgirl



Series: strangers - trash boat [7]
Category: Be More Chill - Iconis/Tracz
Genre: Anger, Crying, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Self Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, Trigger warning:, just a whole roller coaster of emotions, these boyfs both need hugs
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-23
Updated: 2018-07-23
Packaged: 2019-06-15 02:56:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,675
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15403422
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/worstgirl/pseuds/worstgirl
Summary: full title: how stupid i’ve been (to think it’d be easy)alternate title: michael mell and the absolute worst time to confess your love for your best friend~~~Fluorescent light- Jeremy in the hospital, eyes closed and out cold under the bright white lights that made him look sickly and pale, as Michael stood watch~~~The steady beeping of the heart monitor was the first thing Jeremy heard as he woke up. It was slow, but constant, a series of high-pitched noises signalling what he had already been thinking.He’d failed.





	how stupid i’ve been

**Author's Note:**

> TRIGGER WARNING  
> if you are suffering from any of the things settled out in the tags, skip the first few paragraphs. i marked where the bad things start and end, so be safe loves.

_ Fluorescent light- Jeremy in the hospital, eyes closed and out cold under the bright white lights that made him look sickly and pale, as Michael stood watch _

 

~~~

 

Everything seemed to ache, yet everything was numb, all at once. Jeremy stumbled up his stairs, barely glancing at his dad, snoring on the living room couch, tv remote in hand as some reality show blared from the screen. He wouldn’t be waking up anytime soon. 

 

~~~tw starts~~~

 

The lights to the bathroom flickered on as Jeremy’s shaking hands turned them on. He didn’t even think to close the door before pulling open the bottom drawer of the cabinet under the sink, grabbing a small silver blade. 

 

The laughing faces of his classmates bounced around in his head. Words about how he was just a loser, a slob, all whispered behind his back, but always about him. He shook his sleeve back, revealing the small dark lines scraped across the pale skin which made him sick to his stomach when he saw them, but felt so good as he did them.

 

It was too much. There was nothing for him to stay, nothing at all. The blade hovered above his arm, higher on his wrist than he’d ever dared to go. No mom- she’d left, and it was all his fault. If he hadn’t left the night before, they wouldn’t have argued, and she would still be here. No dad- after his mom had left, he’d become an absentee, doing nothing but watching reality tv and drinking coffee until he passed out at 3 am, only to sleep for most of the day. And the best friend he’d ever had, the only friend he’d ever had, was mostly gone. He saw him once a day at most, in lunch, but Jeremy had started to avoid the lunchroom. Too much noise. Michael obviously didn’t care enough to follow him. When they did meet up after school- rarely, Jeremy never felt up to it anymore- he found himself lying and making excuses, the words choking in his throat when he tried to tell Michael what was going on.

 

That was what hurt the most. Not the snickers, or the stares, or the jokes and prods. The fact that Michael wasn’t there to have his back, like before. The boy he loved, but refused to admit he did, had been ignoring him. Maybe he didn’t care. He wouldn’t care if Jeremy was gone, at all. 

 

He wouldn’t care. 

 

_ Just do it. _

 

Jeremy brought the blade down, the pain much worse than the normal sting. He gave a small whimper of pain, dropping the razor. He fell to his knees on the bathroom floor, hunched over his arm. He didn’t realize it would hurt this much, he thought as he gripped his bleeding wrist. 

 

The blood rushed fast, and he could feel it seeping between his fingers. Already he could feel his vision going spotty. He thought he heard a buzz coming from somewhere close by, but his brain couldn’t focus on anything but the massive pain. He blinked away tears, feeling himself slip further and further into unconsciousness. From somewhere far away, he heard his front door open and his name be called as if from down the end of a very long, very echoey hallway. Then everything went black, and he slumped forwards, losing consciousness.

 

~~~tw ends~~~

 

The steady beeping of the heart monitor was the first thing Jeremy heard as he woke up. It was slow, but constant, a series of high-pitched noises signalling what he had already been thinking. 

 

He’d failed. 

 

Everything came crashing down around him, the realization of what had happened. He was in a hospital. He had failed, he was still alive. Maybe if he kept his eyes closed, he could fade away. Then he realized someone was holding his hand. Someone familiar, someone warm and solid. 

 

He cracked open his eyes, vision blurred. A red and brown smudge appeared in his vision, sitting in the chair next to his bed. The other boy didn’t seem to notice his eyes opening, until he made a small noise. “M-Michael?” He murmured. 

 

Michael’s head turned to face him, looking surprised that he spoke. “Jer- oh my god, Jer, you’re awake.” He said, sounding relieved. Jeremy noticed that he looked like he’d been crying, and the bags under his eyes made it seem like he hadn’t slept in ages. Then his eyes suddenly turned a little angry. “Jeremiah William Heere, what the hell were you thinking?” He spat, and Jeremy could see tears in his best friend’s eyes. He recoiled, pulling his hand close to him, which made him realize he had tubes in his arm, and a slightly stained bandage around his wrist- as far up as his elbow, hiding his mistakes. 

 

“M-Micha-“ Jeremy began, trying to sit up. Michael stood quickly, chair clattering back across the hospital room floor. Jeremy fell back to the bed, startled.

 

“Save it.” He spat, interrupting Jeremy as a silvery tear running down his cheek. “Did you even stop to think what you were doing?” Jeremy wanted to say yes, that he had thought about it a lot, that he didn’t regret it- but he did, so much, now that he was here, now that he saw Michael, crying. 

 

He had hurt his best friend. He had made Michael cry, something he hadn’t done for years. Michael Mell didn’t cry. “I-I’m sorry-“

 

“You’d better damn well be sorry!” Michael said, tears streaming down his face now. “What, did you think you wouldn’t be missed?” There was silence, and Jeremy answered in his head- yes. “Did you think no one would care?” Another silent yes. “Did you think no one loved you?” Another, more hesitant, but this time verbal yes. After all, his mom had left for good, his dad didn’t care enough to put pants on, and no one at school gave him the time of day. He had been shoved into a locker too many times to count, had to pick himself off the cafeteria floor so much he had forgotten what the actual lunchroom looked like, and he couldn’t concentrate in class at all. He was a failure. 

 

The stricken look on Michael’s face made Jeremy’s heart stop, and he regretted answering out loud. “Well, I love you!” The words seemed forced out of Michael’s lips, and Jeremy’s heart, which had just started pounding again, skipped a beat.

 

“Wh-What?” He choked out, staring at Michael. The other boy’s hands were clenched into fists, the shaking of his arms making his bracelets hit against each other, seemingly louder than the heart monitor. 

 

“You heard me. I- I love you.” Jeremy was pretty sure that the beeping of the heart was getting more and more rapid as he tried to process this information. Michael loved him? That wasn’t possible. It must be like an ‘I love you, bro.’

 

“I-I love you too, man-“ Jeremy started, but he was once again interrupted by Michael.

 

“You don’t get it! I-I’m in love with you!” Now Jeremy was certain his heartbeat was getting faster. “And you would have- you wanted to- you’re such an idiot!” 

 

“You- what?” Jeremy would worry about being called an idiot later. Right then, his mind was reeling from Michael’s confession. “You’re in- you’re in love with me?” 

 

Michael couldn’t seem to speak anymore, so he just nodded, tears streaming down his cheeks. With that one gesture, Jeremy finally broke down. “G-God, Michael, I th-thought- I thought you h-hated me, I thought y-you were ignoring me, I th-thought you c-could never l-love me back, I was s-so- so st-stupid-“

 

Michael immediately was by his side, all traces of anger gone. “H-Hey, hey, Jer, calm down, it’s alright.” Jeremy shook his head, crying himself. He tried to get a breath, but it caught in his throat, making his shoulders shake with the effort. It wasn’t alright, he’d almost thrown Michael away. He made him cry. 

 

“I’m so so-sorry-“ He choked out, but felt himself pulled into Michael’s arms, and he clutched at Michael’s shirt. His left hand’s grip was weak, and he buried his face in Michael’s shoulder. 

 

“Jer, calm down, it’s all okay-“ The words were soothing, but they didn’t serve to quiet Jeremy’s thoughts, which seemed to want to spill out of his mouth. 

 

“I d-don’t want to die e-early, I was s-so scared-“ He babbled slightly, muffled by the familiar fabric of Michael’s hoodie. 

 

“I know, I know, just breathe, okay?” Jeremy felt something pressing against his head and looked up, just in time to accidentally press his lips against Michael’s. He was very sure he tasted like snot, and tears, and probably just gross in general, but that caused him to actually catch his breath. 

 

He went to pull away, but Michael caught his uninjured hand, and he stayed for a second, heart pounding, sure the other boy could hear it. In fact, he didn’t, but a nurse rushed in only to see the two boys break apart. Jeremy was a blushing mess, and he was pretty sure Michael was as well- he just hid it better. 

 

“Mr. Heere, you’re awake. Your father will be glad to hear of it.” She shot Michael a glance with a raised eyebrow as if to say ‘no canoodling on the hospital beds.’ 

 

As soon as she left, Jeremy couldn’t help but let out an embarrassed snort of laughter, making Michael look at him in surprise. “D-Did you see her f-face?” He said, a slight smile on his face. A tiny pocket of happiness in the middle of a dark time. 

 

Michael joined in, laughing the laugh that Jeremy had thought was adorable before he even knew what bisexual meant. He could worry later. Right now, though, he would just enjoy these precious moments of happiness with Michael. He wanted to spend the rest of his life with this boy, he didn’t want to die early. But of course, fate has funny ways of working out- only one wish came true.

  
  
  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> alrighty then. sorry about hurting the boyfs. also sorry for being MIA for a while. i’ve had writer’s block, and i’ve been in a less than ideal mental state. i apologize for the long wait with this part. also, it may be a while before i post again. it took almost a month to get this to a point where i actually felt okay with posting it.
> 
> on a different note, i’m now taking requests! feel free to leave them in the comment sections, or if it’s easier, shoot me a message on tumblr! (player-two-heere) i’ll try to get to them as soon as i can. 
> 
> in reference to this fic: if any of you need assistance, i’m here to talk (especially on tumblr), plus the suicide hotline (for those of you who don’t know) is 1-800-273-8255, at least in america. stay safe, and stay wonderful, loves. 
> 
> ~PlayerTwoHeere


End file.
